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A Broken-Hearted Teacher

4/28/2017

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In the cemetery of a high school I found decaying souls embodied in breathing corpses.
Few were truly living, but most were as if statues in their courses.
It seems that the virus of the media has comfortably settled in.
It was no longer a vagabond in a temporary inn.
Drugs, sex, and alcohol!
Those were chief topics of every study-hall.
 
The hype was on getting high
as if you need the substance to get by.
They no longer rely on the self for joy.
They treat life as if it is a toy.  
It’s all about #YOLO!
It’s all about flying solo!
 
On them I cannot lay the blame,
for degrading music has risen to power and fame.
women are reduced to body parts
and men are shamed for using their smarts.
It’s all about how you look, not how you behave.
Slavery was abolished, yet almost everyone is a slave.
 
In the land of freedom, I found slavery at its most,
when I looked at the wounds and found nothing in which I can boast.
They were longing to be free.
Wondering who they should be.
So they looked on TV,
but reality they could not see.
 
Until finally, their real self,
was put on the shelf.
Hidden for no one to see,
because to themselves, they were as imperfect as could be.
 
You wonder why I want to be an educator?
There is no greater enemy than a self-hater.
I want these kids to know who they are,
because they only need to look in the mirror to see a star.
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The Me Within Your Eyes

4/26/2017

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Have you ever looked at someone you love, and noticed that their is something that really irks you about that person? But you can't really put you finger on it. 

Today, I was thinking of a friend that I admire a lot. He is a very brilliant ambitious man and deeply rooted into faith. Although I love and admire this person a lot there is something about him that irks me at times. I always wondered why? Today I realized that want annoys me, isn't something in him, but something in me. 

How is that possible? 

A lot of times I lack the wisdom to look at my own self and see my own faults. Matthew Kelly in his book Resisting Happiness, refers to that as "blind spots". That is a portion of my life that maybe someone needs to point to before I become aware of my faults. 

Today I realized that what irritates me about my friend is a quality that we share. We are two pride-filled, stubborn people. It is important to note that he may not be like that all, but just as in "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" so too is perspective. At times, from my tainted eyes he appears to be so. Maybe God is allowing for such thoughts though he is not pride-filled at all because He wants to use him to to show me my "blind spots".

You see my pride may not be evident, as the world defines this word, but more gravely it may be incognito. My pride is there when I refuse to be humble enough to listen to others speak about Christ. Why? Because I know Him. My pride is hidden behind every time I resisted going to church's of other denominations because they were not like me. Yes, I stand by my Catholic Church, at the heart of the Catholic Church is the Eucharist which is not found anywhere else but the Orthodox Church. Yes, I can't bear the idea of not receiving Jesus daily in the Eucharist, because I have come to know that Jesus is physical and literally present there. But what a troublesome life I lead, I have done exactly what the disciples did:

"Teacher," said John, "we saw someone driving out demons in your name and we told him to stop, because he was not one of us." Mark 9:38 

Jesus forgive me, I have failed to love like you do. Jesus forgive me for refusing to see you in others simply because they do not worship you like I do. Forgive me for failing to see that I must be open to your call in every possible way. 

Oh Jesus, forgive me! I have not live my Catholicism as I ought to. Almost everyday I visit you in the Eucharist. I adore you at adoration, yet still pride rules in my heart. Hate is present and so is selfishness.

What am I preaching? Doctrinal Christianity, or simple humble love-founded Christianity? Oh my vanity. I share, but I refuse to receive. I give what you give me to others, but I shun what they give me through you.


I have one desire, change my heart that you reign in it as you do my love in your Kingdom. I do not want anything from this world, but to live and die in your grace. Please do not leave my heart to lust after the world as it is doing. Let me run and not grow weary of pursuing you. 

You are my Prince Charming and I the clumsy damsel that constantly needs saving. 

Jesus I love you, be mine! 
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Why Can't I Forgive Myself?

4/24/2017

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As Christians, one of the first prayers that we learn growing up is "The Lord's Prayer" also known as the "Our Father". One of the most prominent lines of that prayer is "forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespassed against us". At the heart of the Christian faith is love which results in forgiveness. Therefore, forgiveness is derived from love. Where there is no love there is no forgiveness. 
So we are to forgive our trespassers, this is a concept that most if not all Christians are familiar with, even though sometimes we find that it is not practiced, it is at the very least known. So forgiving others is something we understand. It is almost a Christian norm. 
However, if you are anything like me, then you probably struggled with forgiving yourself more than forgiving others. I mean after all Jesus taught me how to forgive others, but what about myself? 

Well, what often happens in my life is that I feel deep contrition for my sins, so I go to confession. Confession is where I am absolved of my sins. Therefore, in that instance the Good Lord has forgiven me my trespasses. Yet, sometimes way beyond confession I still chastise myself over the mistakes that I have done. 

Why is that? Why can I not forgive myself even long after I have been absolved? Well, personally, because I hold myself to such a high standard it's hard for me to understand how could I do something so stupid, regales of how grave or small the sin seems to the eyes of the world.

By not forgiving myself, I am not loving myself. Yet God Himself loves me so I should love and forgive myself.

However, as per usual, there is something deeper going on. At the root of out transgressions there is a bigger cause. For example our hypothetical friend Bob committed adultery. Adultery was the sin, but what drove that sin? Well, we can attribute it to lust, we may also attributed it selfishness or coveting someone else's wife. When Bob tells a lie, the lie is the sin, but we can attribute it to envy. Maybe Bob lied because he was jealous of his friends, he wanted to make himself seem more powerful. 

So at the root of sin there is something else going on. So why can't I forgive myself? well maybe my lack of forgiveness to my own sins is due to pride. Even though God has shown me His mercy, my pride is preventing me from tasting the sweet fruits of His love. My pride that said "I should have not committed such an error" has lead me numerous times to receiving God's graces, but leave them untouched. 

Today I want to ask you, what is at the root of your sins? What is beneath the surface?

Thank you for reading, please keep me your humble servant and sister in Christ in your prayers. 

Jesus loves you and so do I! 

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What If GOD Is Not Willing?

4/21/2017

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There are times in the Bible where people would come to Jesus and they would ask Him to cure someone and they would say "if you are willing..." and Jesus' response was "I am willing" the reaction in that case is a joyful one, but there is a question that arises.
What would we do if His answer was "I am not willing" ?
1. React violently, in a sense we lose our trust and hope in God. Even though He may have done many things that proved His love on a daily level.
2. Thank Him for through His mysterious wisdom we know that He is just and kind. When He refuses our request as it is requested it is not because He doesn't love us, for everything He does is through love. It is because to move on to the next spiritual course we must go through the training and the conditioning. When an athlete is faced with a challenge he/she doesn't give up but continues to callenge himself to the fullest extent.
When God says "I am not willing" we should know that it is the time where we will spiritually Handle more. During this time we move from being able to lift a 100 pounds to 150. We age says I am not willing, He is not saying I don't love you. For as He tells Saint Faustina " if my death on the course doesn't prove to you that I love you, what will?" His love is never to be doubted.
 
Yes, I expect Him to heal those I bring to Him the way I want because I have faith that He can. But because I have faith in Him, I must also have faith in His time and His methodology. There were mAny blind people that Jesus healed, but each with a different method. So He said open and they opened . To others he took mud and spit and put it on their eyes and still to others He lead them away and them opened their eyes.
 
So the good Lord, has His methodology. He knows that the time of healing needed for this person and everyone around them.
 
"I am not willing" sometimes is the best form of healing. Jesus isn't just interested in healing the body, He is far more concerned with healing the soul. Not just the soul of the person asking for Healing, but for everyone that person  encounter. Primarily their family. The spiritual healing, will become a stronger testimony than that of the physical. For example the 10 people with leprosy, only one came back glorifying God and thanking Jesus. He received spiritual healing and this healing was transferred to everyone around them. Their live was transformed not by their physical healing, although that was the start off point, but when they recognized the hand of God.
 
Very often we look at the crosses before us and say what Peter said to Jesus "God forbid" but Jesus knowing the value of the cross for humanity did not view it as a punishment as Peter did, but rather rebuked Peter saying, "depart from me satan". The cross is not a punishment, it is a gift that holds a value that resonates beyond, the self to the society.
 
yet the hope remains that answer will be "I will" rather than the not, and even if time passes our hope will remain the same,for knows the timing as He knew with Lazarus. He waited after He heard their cries until the time was right so instead of healing He may raise him from the dead. So, we too hope for same thing from the one who is capable. Lord I have faith, heal us. 
 
What if the answer is not " I am not willing " in the first place? What if the answer is " I am willing, but not the way you except?" We must not place the infinite within the limits of the finite, In this case we would be replacing the capacity of the creator with that of the created, of which we will reach the extremities of errors for the creation will never meet up to the level of the creator. 
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    Hey! I am Rita A. Saikali. This is my humble experience with my wonderful Jesus. Thank you for reading.

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