Before the volatile currents of doubt I collapsed. I didn’t doubt my faith; I didn’t doubt the love of my eternity. What I did doubt was Pure Love’s intention for my life. Before Him I stood with my nothingness screaming at Him, screams that were not audible to anyone else, but Him, I, and the evil one who stood at a distance laughing at what he thought would be the end of me.
I screamed at Him, doubting all my life choices. I reminded Him that there wasn’t a single choice that took in my life that I didn’t spend hours upon hours praying before taking it. He led me; He opened the doors, but at that instant I doubted if it was Him or I. Was I led by my desires? Or was the one whom I sought the one leading?
I scolded Him for not taking better care of me. I doubted Pure Love’s intention. This lasted but a few minutes, but in those minutes I have crucified Him. How awful are the wounds caused by a loved one! I wounded by savior’s heart. I, whom had proclaimed His mercy at every chance, wounded His heart by claiming He wasn’t merciful enough.
I cringe as I write these words, remembering how merciless I was to one that gave me my life in exchange for His. I have not gone to confession yet, but I will at the earliest possibility. However, I know that I have already been forgiven.
The prior week, there was one verse that constantly resounded in my ears, and it was more profound as I screamed. “We have left everything to follow you! What then will there be for us?” Matthew 19:27. In my heart I knew exactly what the answer was. “Everything”. He offered me everything.
like a little child after a tantrum, I fell asleep as my Father rocked my crib. Despite all that I had said to Him, He held me closer to His heart. I woke up with a little more peace in my heart. The next day at mass this was a part of the reading “This is why I speak to them in parables, because they look but do not see and hear but do not listen or understand.” All my life I had considered myself like one of the ones that understood without parables. In fact by His grace I too spoke in figurative language to get my point across. But that day was different. That day I knew that His words were addressing me. I was looking at the fountain of His mercy, by my eyes refused to see. I experienced the sound of that fountain, but my ears refused to hear. Why? Because I was like a lottery winner looking at the dollar I lost instead of looking at the Jackpot that I had won. I was more upset over paying a dollar for a ticket than keeping that dollar for myself.
I was looking at what could have been. Then, like a role of film shuffling before my eyes, I saw people who have been positively effected by the choices that I have made. Without my Jesus opening the doors for my degree in Theatre, I would have never started making videos about Him. Maybe I wouldn’t be writing today, maybe I wouldn’t have had the time to spend hours at adoration. It’s true, over the years, my degree bought me what collectively would amount to no more than $600 in revenue, but it has reminded souls of the mercy of our Good Lord. I have been blessed with two other Graduate degrees, but my impatience had taken over me.
But, a moment of doubted was not the end of me. The evil one laughed but for a moment, but Lord would not let me go. I did not collapse before doubt, I knelt with my forehead to the ground asking God for help. The words I chose were not the kindest, but as the Bible says “In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans” Romans 8:26. How is that possible? Well, when a weeping child cries for ice cream around his nap time, the mother knows that he doesn’t need ice cream, he needs to sleep. So she takes what he is demanding and offers him what he needs.
Don’t be afraid to come to God with your doubts. His love is so endless and His mercy is so boundless. Tell Him. Tell Him everything in your soul even if the words sound like nonsense. Sometimes It is better to collapse in tears before Him, than to try to face the doubts on your own. It’s like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes you see a wave that you know you can’t ride, so you go underwater for few seconds until it passes. Otherwise it will toss you to where you don’t want to go.